I miss my daughter so deeply. I realize that it isn’t just that Julie is not here and that this Christmas was different. I am mourning the old days and my previous world. A world where children stayed home and depended on you for love and food and nurture. Where they longed for your attention with their constant “mommy, mommy, mommy”. I miss days where I planned menu’s and baked cookies knowing that my children would all gravitate to the kitchen where the smell of chocolate chip cookies beckoned them as if the scent had fingers that curled around them and brought them to me. I miss the pile of books they would beg me to read, “just one more time” and the funny voices I would worked to come up with to entertain them. I think I was more entertained than they were.
The curly golden brown curls on Brandon’s head as his light brown eyes would glaze over in imagination as I would begin to read. Always in high gear I savored the moments I had his undivided attention. Brandon’s energy was breathtaking and he would play until he literally dropped. Passion and zeal in every cell in his body, it was hard not to giggle at him as he talked so fast spit would go flying. His stories always exaggerated and his language always expressive. The most entertaining child one could ever ask for. A brain that was fast and always engaged to figure out how to push his boundaries back just one more inch. Oh how I adore my first born.
My second boy couldn’t be more different than his brother. Jordan’s glossy black silky hair was never out of place and he had these think curly lashes that were just beautiful. Beauty that I thought should only be reserved for girl shown through his precious masculine face. His quiet nature was impressive, watching him be a little guardian to his baby sister. Somehow assigning himself the position as her protector, friend, interpreter. He often would explain her baby language to me and actually teach her words that only the two of them understood. They had a connection that was deep and often only seen in twins, Irish twins there are. Born in the same year and somehow they share a connection that is more than I can understand between them. Jordan is as gentle and meticulous as his brother is fast and passionate. Jordan is a listener, a watcher a learner. Always the last to get a joke and laugh five seconds to late and bring the next round of laughter for our family. All heart and conviction this precious boy of mine. His prayers at the dinner table were longer than an old baptist preacher but as heart felt as one also.
My fair baby girl with her shiny eyes and silky straight hair. As light as her brother was dark but with the same beautiful Irish cheekbones and her momma’s Spanish eyes. But not brown eyes like mine, hers are green, and golden and light brown. Different colors for different days and moods. I can read her emotions by the color of her beautiful eyes. 3 distinctly different personalities in these three precious little packages. Oh how I miss the giggles around the table as they stuffed their faces with eagerness, doing everything passionately. I miss getting them ready for bath and bed. The best hugs come at night where clean soap scrubbed little children are held longer by me as I inhale them just one more time. Always just a little sad when it was time to stop smelling their sweet little necks and kissing their full cheeks and tuck them in for the night.
The end of everyday brought a sense of fulfillment I can barely describe. A day full of hard work where my children were safe and fed and taught and laughed with, enjoyed and loved. I remember days of being exhausted and excited to begin again the next day. Those will always be the best days of my life.
I have a great life. I have the chance to love others than have not had the blessing to be loved like my babies on this earth. I count it an honor and find great joy in serving and leading and taking my place as a Pastor and Minister in this generation. Life moves forward and I have new opportunities to love and serve and nurture and teach till I am again exhausted and exciting to sleep and awake to begin again.
